When my husband followed up with a party invitee 4 days after the RSVP deadline to see if he and his wife would be attending, the unnamed friend laughed and said his wife had been in charge of that…then he added something along the lines of “how many Georgetown grads does it take to RSVP to a party?” Cute. We were thrilled they were coming, but really would have wanted to know about their attendance as well as several other couples’ sooner. To be fair, with Facebook Events, E-Vites, and the like, formal etiquette does not seem to play much of a role in today’s social activities. That said, there are instances when having a headcount is pretty important, and even when it’s not, an official response is always respectful.
répondez s’il vous plaît (RSVP) is literally translated from French to mean “reply if you please” but note that there is no straight up “please” in French…the “if you” part does not really make the response optional, instead think of it as “please respond” in a much more friendly turn of phrase.
A few things you should know…
There are 2 main types of response requests…
- RSVP by 10/10/15: This one simply means to respond, one way or the other, by the date.
- Regrets Only: This is generally reserved for small, family parties. It is assumed that you will be present unless you notify the host(ess) otherwise.
A-Lists and B-Lists
A party’s size can often be limited by the size of the venue or amount of money the hosts can afford to spend on the event. It is not uncommon to create two guest lists. The “B-List” has such a negative connotation, but it shouldn’t! There are many factors involved in throwing a party and if the hosts were to invite every friend & family member thought to both practicality and guest comfort, things could get out of hand very quickly. Perhaps the formal dining room seats only 12? Perhaps the catering budget is maxed at 45 guests? What if the Smiths will know not a single other couple unless the Joneses are coming? Instead of putting out fires after the fact, a host can feel confident about the comfort of their guests by waiting for a few responses from the A-List before inviting guests from the B-List.
Etiquette for Hosts
1) Allow enough time for guests to ponder the invite, check their calendars, and perhaps even investigate travel arrangements before they are required to respond. If this is a formal event where a response is truly needed, a minimum of 1 week and up to 1 month is suggested between receipt of the invitation and the respond-by date.
2) If you have a “B-List” (see above), be sure you do not send the invitation past the RSVP deadline. You should consider having a second set of invitations printed with a later response date, or verbally inviting instead.
3) Provide a cushion of 3-5 days. If your caterer needs a headcount on the 5th, set the RSVP date around the 1st.
4) If it’s past the deadline, don’t be afraid to follow up with a phone call, email, or text. Let’s face it…people are busy and things can fly under the radar. If you absolutely need to know a headcount, it’s far better to contact the guest than to sit and stew about how rude people can be. That said, do give them a day or two! If you have a mailed response card, allow a few days for the mail to get to you from the folks who may have just put it in the box on the RSVP date.
Etiquette for Guests
There’s really only one rule here: Reply as early as you can.
If you know you won’t be attending, respond immediately rather than waiting until the deadline. Sometimes you may feel a bit awkward or rude turning down the invitation early — you may be trying to spare the hosts feelings or perhaps even avoid providing an excuse for your non-attendance. Stop it. Just let them know you won’t be making it so that if they have a B-List, your spot on the guest list can be filled or if it is a really small party, they can consider rescheduling.
The only time no response at all is appropriate is when you plan to attend and the invitation states “regrets only.”
Try not to show up to a party without telling the host(s) you’ll be there. If your plans changed at the last minute, make a quick phone call to see if it’s okay that you stop by after all. You don’t want to put the hosts in an awkward position if a seating chart was made and there is no place set for you, the space is at capacity, favors were purchased and now there aren’t enough, etc.
A few final notes that might sound a bit preachy, but should probably be said. We’re ALL guilty of some of these even with the best of intentions, so look at it from a host’s perspective:
“We’ll try to drop by” means you’re being counted as a yes. Seriously…if you don’t plan to attend, don’t use this, and if you plan to attend, just say yes. Don’t use that “maybe” button on Facebook or E-Vite, either. Along the same lines, “don’t count us for food” kind of tells the host you don’t plan to come. Why not just say that? It’s like replying with “we’re expecting a better offer.” Although you think you’re being kind, you’re really just keeping party hosts on a string and tying their hands from making final preparations. It is okay to ask a host if you may bring a date…maybe the invite didn’t specify a guest because they didn’t know you were seeing someone. That said, it is not okay to show up with a date they didn’t know was coming. Again, that silly “head count” thing.
The important thing to remember…
…is that people who host formal events are generally doing so because they want to celebrate with their friends and family. An invitation to such an event should make you feel special! You are under no obligation to attend, but acknowledging your invitation with a response demonstrates respect for the people who extended it.
